Frick.

Squeezing right eye shut. Headache beginning. So unfair...

Pure Joy!

Pure joy was having an entire day without a single headache. Not a twinge, not noticing squeezing my right eye shut, not a spasm - nothing. To make matters even better, I was without a good night's sleep, and had an early morning at Justin's swim meet. That kid is just fantastic - every time he hugs me I feel like my heart grows just a bit bigger.

And I managed to make it down to Hamtramck for dinner...we made it to the bakery early enough for me to get my angel wings. The pierogies weren't nearly as good as what Baba used to make, but those along with the potato pancakes and giant chalice of Polish beer made it feel like the holiday season.

Well, Hello Dr. Neurosurgeon...

And yesterday was the first of at least three impending trips to the neurosurgeon. Mom & Miss joined in the fun, which was good. Always good to have mom and a Ph.D. in comparative medicine at the doctor's visit.

Verdict? Spontaneous Intracranial Hypotension. Yes, I was leaking spinal fluid. No, we're not sure why. And though I'm a fairly concrete thinker, I'll have to accept that this may not be explained. I have another CT scan coming up, with another MRI in a few months to make sure everything has healed, assuming the headaches continue to heal. For now, I'm supposed to be active but not exert myself. Yeesh - talk about walking a tightrope - will have to do the best I can.

Fortunately, the last three days have been better...down to one or two spasm headaches per day, and the dull aching headache isn't starting until evening. I laughed at lunch today...unabashadly...without thinking and without pain. I was giddy afterwards. It really is the little things in life, sometimes, that make a big difference, as cliche as that sounds.

Thoughts...

Thoughts / dawning revelations I've been having over the past few days:
-I can't believe I have to relearn how to laugh. It's hurt so much to do so, I now feel like a robot when I think something is funny because I can't express it. It's getting better (there's less pain when I laugh), but it's amazing how cruel it is to not be able to laugh...I feel like I've lost a lot of my sparkle.
-Was I really vomiting my own spinal fluid? I'm pretty sure it wasn't mucous / sinus drainage, but if it was CSF, that's just wrong.
-Never been so excited to meet a neurosurgeon.
-Ugh.
-Didn't realize anyone still read this, especially with how little / how sporadic I am with posting. I should've known... Thanks for getting in touch yesterday, Tia. It was more than good to hear your voice. I miss you and I love you.

...And Seconds...

My second (and technically third and fourth) MRI ever was on Friday. We have moved down the brain to the cervical, thoracic and lumbar regions of the spine. An hour and fifteen minutes spent in a white tube with crazy noises and a very uncomfortable position that wasn't to be altered is not something I should complain about by any stretch - I'm lucky to have access, availability and insurance. But this still sucks, and that's all there is to say. We're in search of some kind of tear in the dura that is allowing a leak of cervical spinal fluid. All I know is that there's a bunch of stuff on the initial MRI report that I wish I had no knowledge of, and I hope that whatever news I get on Tuesday is easier to handle than the diagnostic phase has been so far. I can live without panic attacks and feeling like I am slowly but surely losing my grip on reality and my sanity. I can't imagine how the author of the Permanent Headache blog has gone two years with no answers. I think that would quite literally cause me to go insane.

One-Hit Wonder

There have been a lot of firsts for me recently...first CT scan, first time on narcotics (dilaudid, vicodin, toradol), first time of not knowing to the extent that it's driving me a little crazy. I've been a caregiver so often over the years, and I don't begrudge those experiences. I've learned a lot and have been forced to deal with things that at times seemed insurmountable. I know I haven't always handled things well, or the best that I could, and I'm okay with that. Sometimes, it seemed all I could do was try to put one foot in front of the other and plod through while hoping for boredom.

I haven't had to have someone take care of me in a long, long time...years and years, really. I find that I don't like it one little bit. A friend suggested that it's a control issue, and I have to admit that it's partially true. I also don't like the idea of having to be a compliant patient at some point. I know I don't do so well with rules...mostly because I don't like them, and prefer to make up my own. Life's more interesting and makes more sense to me that way.

So, today was my first MRI. It was a piece of cake, really...lie down on a table, get moved in to a weird tube, slap some ear plugs in and try not to move. My conversation with the MRI technician was entertaining:
Tech: Okay, we're going to move you out of the machine to give you the injection of the contrast now.
Me: Okay. I'm pretty sure I can't do much about that right now, hey?
Tech: Not so much. So, do you have good veins?
Me: I have great veins if you're any good at finding them.
Tech: Well, this *is* my first time doing this, and I usually can't hit the broad side of a barn...
Me: (as the tech is palpating...) Oh, there's a nice, meaty vein in my right arm that I think you'll like.
Tech: No shit...it's like a garden hose. I don't even think I need the tourniquet. I guess I should wait for one anyway, but I really think I could hit it without...
Me: I like to live dangerously. I think you should go for it.
Tech: It's Monday morning...I should probably wait.

He hit it on the first try, and left only a small bruise. Not too shabby, really. And now it's time to wait for results.

Horse...THEN Cart...

I was reassured tonight while talking to Mom that everyone has a hard time taking their own well-intended advice. Mine recently to my dear friend to not put the cart before the horse and not freak out until there's something concrete to freak out about are two pieces I should really be taking. But I also know that a very little bit of knowledge can be dangerous at best... So, I say, "Ugh."