I've been feeling not quite so chipper tonight. I've been having the great debate in my mind about whether I feel lonely or feel that I'm alone or if there's some other word out there to describe what I am feeling right now. So, in an effort to ease my mind, I went into problem-solving mode. The first mission: what the heck is the difference between lonely and alone, if there is one? Lonely, apparently can simply mean alone, or dejected by awareness of being alone. And alone means being without others. I commonly think of that in the physical sense, yet tonight made me think of it abstractly - alone, as in not relating to others or feeling part of something. Mission result: both options are out the window for the most part. About the only time I am physically alone is late at night, after work and all of the other craziness in my life has ended for the day. And I generally cherish the time, or fill it with never-ending housework (see the blog entry from yesterday about laundry). And I generally don't feel lonely. At least, I don't right now. The weekend was filled with seeing people I love who know me best and accept me unconditionally, and who laugh and have fun and enjoy life. And I feel a definite connection with that, and feel part of that sentiment. And that connection doesn't go away when I'm not with them (definitely a good thing).
The second mission: what the heck am I feeling? I went with my first instinct of maudlin. I had one of those moments of, "does that mean what I really think it does?" followed by, "if not, I've been using that incorrectly for years!" I was reassured that it means what I thought - overly sentimental. Although, one definition claimed the cause was often impacted by alcohol consumption (and no, I'm not drinking alone...). And so I stopped with my first instinct. I'm definitely feeling overly sentimental. It's been a crazy few months - mom's surgery, other family illnesses, a close friend will be moving away, and another is talking about moving away as well. I'm not so naive to think that life doesn't change. I know it does, and I know I will embrace the changes and make the best of them. I think I get so consumed with making sure "everything" gets done, that people are taken care of, and being genuinely happy and excited for all of the new adventures (both mine and others) that I forget to acknowledge all of the other emotions that go along with all of these events - fear, sadness, joy at having amazing memories, excitement about making more fantastic memories. And I become overly sentimental...or maudlin, without the drunkenness. Result of the second mission: success. The third mission is a good night's sleep.
The Ever Evolving List - Jan. 1, 2016 Edition
8 years ago
2 comments:
Well put. Someone who broke my heart once told me that it's arrogantly presumptuous to follow up a heartfelt discourse with a "Yeah, I like TOTALLY know how you feel!" but I must say that the lonely/alone distinction has occupied my mind on more than a few occasions. I spend a lot of time physically alone, and often that makes me happy. But then there come those days and nights (more often nights) when the scales tip in the other direction and solitude bleeds into loneliness. Those are not pleasant times, because ... sigh ... it seems to be an inescapable existential condition that while there are plenty of people out there with whom we could spend time, we very rarely - if ever - get to spend enough time with the people whose presence we most crave. Hmmm ... this is beginning to veer into late-night dorm talk, the intrepid surfer thought, as he slipped back into the virtual shadows
I would agree that it is arrogantly presumptuous to follow up with "I totally know how you feel" to an extent. When it's said to solely to placate, it hops over the line of being presumptuous. But when someone expresses something eloquently or succinctly so that it creates a connection and you feel, in a way, you've found a kindred spirit, at least on some level, it's pretty amazing. And sometimes all that can come out is, "Yeah, I like TOTALLY know how you feel!" It's not always the best-phrased response, but when it's geniune, it doesn't really matter.
By the way, don't get lost in the shadows...
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